


We Don't Believe What We See On TV

by LoudandDangerous



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cats, Christmas, Elf on the Shelf jokes, Ever realize that Tyler looks like an Elf on the Shelf?, Fire, Glitter, I Tried, It's good I promise, Josh has a doll that looks like him, Josh in Lingerie, Josh sings too, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Puppets, Santa Isn't Real, Smut, TV AU, Takes place right about now, Tyler hates kids, Tyler ruins lives, children's show AU, flames, like beginning of November, pessimism, sometimes, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 05:08:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5116706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoudandDangerous/pseuds/LoudandDangerous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is a host for a children's show called 'The land of Dunshine' about a man and his best friend, Kitty the puppet cat.</p><p>Tyler just really hates kids. But he finds Josh attractive.</p><p>Josh is pure. Josh is happy. Josh is the sweetest person to ever walk this Earth.</p><p>But he's too good to be true.</p><p>Tyler doesn't believe what he sees on TV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Don't Believe What We See On TV

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so the reason my latest fanfics have been shitty is because I've been working on this fanfic and sort of like a comic book thing of Tyler and Josh vs. The World.
> 
> That should be here by the end of the year. 
> 
> XOXO  
> -LoudandDangerous

''Look Mommy! It's the Elf on the Shelf!" The little girl points to Tyler. She's noting Tyler's red shirt, and white beanie. 

 

Tyler hates children. He hates when they cry, they burp, they squeak, they don't pay bills, they don't do anything. They get spoiled by their parents and expect nothing but the best when they grow up. Babies grow up to be people like him. Tyler wrote a children's book called ''The Wonderful World Of Pessimism."

 

But now it's a required book for 12th grade beside _'Animal Farm'_ and _'Macbeth'_.

 

He was in a long term relationship with a girl named Jenna. They were great together until she said she wanted kids. Tyler sounded like The Joker when he laughed at that idea. ''HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Babies are gross.

 

Now in the store, he finds another reason to hate children. 

 

''I'm not an Elf on the Shelf." Tyler growls, the little girl doesn't go away. Come on, he's just trying to buy hummus. 

 

''Yeah you are! And when Santa--''

 

''Santa isn't real." The little girl is stunned by Tyler's words. Tyler feels no remorse because it's rude for parents to brainwash their children about some jolly old bastard who breaks into houses, eats Easy Bake oven cookies, and leaves presents. 

 

''Of course he is. I met him in the mall." She smiles, showing two missing front teeth and clutching a baby doll in her hand. 

 

''Have you ever been to other malls during Christmas?" She nods. "Do you wonder why Santa is there too? Like he's following you?" She nods again. ''It's because there's a man who dresses up like Santa in each and every mall in the country. No Santa is unique. Your parents tell him your name so he 'knows' you when you get there. Your parents write Santa on your presents because they think it's cute."

 

She gasps, but doesn't cry. She drops the baby doll and stands catatonically. Tyler's just being honest. He picks up the hummus and leaves to the register. The little girl standing in the aisle. 

 

''I'm not a goddamn Elf on the Shelf." He spits, scowling and rolling his eyes.

 

Tyler Joseph hates children.

* * *

Blue painted skies, fluffy cotton clouds, faux grass and popcorn daisies. Josh's world is fake, but it's lovely. It shields children from the outside world and invites them to a world where anything is possible. He sings, he dances, he laughs, he jokes and the children of the world love him for it. In all the pastel glory, the real star is Kitty.

 

Kitty. The puppet cat that Josh sees every single day. Red Tulle bow, fabric mouth, orange plush fur, and a voice like helium. Headquarters in a treehouse, with balloons, fluffy flower pillows, rabbit neighbors and puppy mailmen. They're all puppets and Josh is A-okay with that. It's better to have nice, fake puppet cast-mates then to have rude, real ones.

 

In this particular episode, Kitty and Josh challenge fairy tales.

 

''Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Josh asks to the mirror, happy tone in his voice as if he's being sarcastic about surprise. 

 

''Princess Kitty of RainbowCity in the fairest of them all."

 

''Wow!" Josh says and has to stifle how fake it sounds. "Come on everybody! If we believe, we can go see Princess Kitty!" He holds out his hands to his sides, as if snow were falling but instead he catches glitter. Rainbow glitter and he gasps. ''It's working everybody! Do you want to go see Princess Kitty?" He pauses, when the episode release this is where children will answer 'yes'. "Then let's go!"

 

The set changes, rainbow vomit like a Justice store surrounds Josh.  _'It's like being on acids.'_ Josh thinks when he sees the plastic castle that Princess Kitty inhabits. "Come on everyone! Say it with me. Oh Princess Kitty!" He shouts. "Princess Kitty!" He yells, the puppet cat appears out the window of the tallest steeple. She wears a red pointed hat with a magic wand. 

 

''My fair Sir Josh." The voice squeaks. ''The evil queen has stolen all the friendship and sharing powers in the city."

 

Josh wonders why there's a castle in a city, but the writers are paying him to be live in rainbow garbage. He better not mess with the system. 

 

''Oh nooooo!" 

 

''You shall get it back. In return, you may live in the castle with me.''

 

Josh bows his head, smiling and going off with more glitter in tow.

* * *

Tyler feels good about popping all the balloons in Nordstrom. The theater beside the mall has a new poster.

 

_Kitty and Josh. Live! This Saturday. Sold out._

 

He rolls his eyes. "Who the hell wants to go see that rainbow garbage?" He scoffs, shoving his hands in his pocket and feeling for his phone. It vibrates, Tyler is semi-surprised to find that it's Jenna.

 

''Hello." It not a question, it's sarcasm.

 

''Hey! Tyler, it's almost Clark's first birthday…." She trails off, remembering who exactly she's talking to.

 

''Yeah? And?"

 

''I wanted to know if you wanted to see him. You know? Come meet Jason as well…?"

 

''Why would I want to meet your son and husband? I'm not pissed about the breakup, your husband's an okay dude, but…kids. Babies crying and--''

 

''I know. It--It was just a suggestion." 

 

''Kay, thanks. Neato! Woohoo. Tubular." He deadpans, hanging up and putting his phone back in his pocket. 

 

''Daddy! It's the Elf on the Shelf!" Another little girl points and Tyler wants to shove a brick up his ass.

* * *

''We're into the woods, between the trees and nobody knows except you and me! So what do you say? Let's keep it that way, come along with me! Come along!'' Kitty sings and it sounds like a damn dog whistle. "With me, Josh!" She shouts, the magic has been restored and only 5 more minutes until Josh can go home shower off all the glitter. 

 

''Into the woods, between the trees and nobody knows except you and me!" His headache is getting worse with each passing second that the stage lights burn onto him. 

 

Kitty and Josh wave goodbye and he sits in his seat, yawning as his castmate takes off the Kitty puppet. ''I need an Advil and a million years of sleep, Pat." He throws his head back and cracks his knuckles.

 

Patrick clears his voice, screeching as his voice gets back to normal. ''Jesus fuckin' Christ." The stage manager eyes him with wariness. "Sorry. Jesus _fricking_ Christ."  _  
_

 

Josh takes a deep breath. "This tour is going to be great." He sarcastically says, scratching his neck. 

 

''You know it." 

 

"Where's the first stop?" He shakes glitter out of hair, taking off the plastic Knight Josh armor.

 

"Columbus, Ohio." Patrick groans, stretching out his arms. 

 

''Guess what?" The voice speaks from behind and the two men groan. 

 

''What is it Brendon?" Patrick sighs, moving his hand from the sweaty puppet. Brendon pulls the string, the first phrase is spoken. 

 

_''I love learning!"_

 

"Goddamn. Is that a frickin' doll?" Josh eyes it carefully. ''..of me?"

 

''Yep. Equipped with over 40 phrases, a friendship crayon and a friendship ring." Brendon sits beside Josh. ''QVC and Toys R Us already predict it'll be the toy of the season for Christmas. Right next to Elsa and Anna, of course." He hands it to Josh. It's got a pull string, and plush legs like a Woody doll. He pulls the string.

 

_"Sharing is caring!"_

_"Kitty is my best friend!"_

 

Josh grimaces but remains happy. He's gotta be happy. Always. 

* * *

Ryan is already home when Tyler gets there. 

 

''Hey, Roomie." Ryan grins, sitting on the couch and patting for Tyler to do the same. Ryan's listening to something. Tyler hates it. ''Listen to this." He turns up the TV. ''It's so rad. It sounds like Ok Go made Disney their bitch and sang a song about it."

 

''This is that bullshit from that show with the cat and the dude who acts like he's 2 years old."

 

''Yeah the show is shit, but the music is great." 

 

Tyler rolls his eyes groaning. "If you like 'em so much, why don't you go to the concert across town?"

 

''I am. I already have my tickets." Ryan grins, tugging on Tyler's arm. "Are you're coming with me."

 

''Are there going to be children there?"

 

''Yep." 

 

"I'd rather go to Hell and have them thaw my heart before I even stand within a foot of a child."

 

''Too bad. We're going wether you like it or not. Also, Josh is pretty hot. Go see if you can tap that." He snickers, Tyler sits the hummus on the counter and scowls at Ryan.

 

''You are the worse fucking person in the world and I hope you know that."

 

''Thank you.  _I try."_ He curtsies. Tyler laughs at Ryan's stupidity.

 

 

 

 


End file.
